Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #1

In this series, I will attempt to read Christian Lander’s mind and post a category before he himself does. Bizarre! you say. Dear reader, I say, it has already happened. Over the summer, the SWPL Blog had a contest. Each contestant in said contest sent in his or her pathetic SWPL entry. Five winners would be posted. I wrote a post about why white people love to DJ. Everyone knows all white people believe they have excellent and unique tastes in music. That they believe they’d make excellent DJs is a logical conclusion. Lo and behold, my submission was rejected! Why, I wondered, when mine was far superior to the mountains of anal leakage and bile the site had posted and labeled as “winners”? Turns out DJing was an entry in the Stuff White People Like book that came out over the summer. So, here we go. I feel this entry has been a long time coming on the real Stuff White People Like…

Drug Trip Stories

Count the number of white people you know. Now count the number of cool white people you know. Now count the number of cool white people you know in college. Every one of these white persons have used drugs in the past week.

Like everyone else, white people enjoy drugs for the high. Unlike everyone else, the story surrounding the acquisition, use, and all activities done while are far more important.

In high school, telling stories about weed will suffice, But college-age white people at liberal arts universities will have at least experimented with acid, salvia, mushrooms, pills, and for the advanced, cocaine. Crack may be used ironically. (NOTE: DO NOT assume that they do crystal meth. Midwesterners – the wrong kind of white peeople – use crystal meth.)

When discussing your drug experiencess with a white person, always begin by explicating your relationship with your dealer. Gloss over its general disposition, living quarters, speech patterns, where it gets its product from, its personal hygene, and the procedure of the transaction. Be sure to include all humorous details. Only include humorous details. Sad stories will only ground your white friends in reality and make them sad.

Make sure to mention the strain of whatever drug(s) your trip story revolves around. As we all know (, white people love to classify things, even when they don’t need to be classified.

Mention what music you listened to while high. All white people consider music the most important thing in their lives, and impressing them with your taste in music will multiply whatever favorable opinion they already have of you (you do drugs, remember?) upon itself. You could mention your favorite rock band, but there is always a white person who knows more about them than you. To be safe, select The Notorious B.I.G., Girl Talk, 2Pac,  or Dr. Dre. They are universally lauded in white circles. No further questions will be asked.

Most importantly, NEVER upstage a white person’s drug trip story. They do not like being publicly shamed.

EDIT: Recent President Elect Barack Obama admits that he used drugs in high school and college. While the same fact embarassed Bush, it only increased the Obama Myth. Now that he won the election, go find a white person whom you always thought did cocaine but never bothered to ask. Chances are, they will tell you that they do within five minutes of conversation.


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3 Responses to “Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #1”

  1. Ben Says:

    this entry seemed to be largly based on troy

  2. Ben Says:

    it reminds me of every story he’s told me

  3. Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #2 « Ghb up in this motherfucker Says:

    […] White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #2 This is a follow-up to the first Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike. It seems they like so many things that not even their […]

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