Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #2

This is a follow-up to the first Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike. It seems they like so many things that not even their official scribe can document them all!


Similar to everything else that can be liked, white people love to dance. But they have their own special reasons for enjoying it.

Some white people dance because they enjoy it, but do not realize that they are terrible at it. These are the wrong kind of white people – you should avoid associating with them at all costs.

(NOTE: Although they are a symbol of high culture, and therefore, a prized commodity in the community, this post is not concerned with white people who are dance majors and professional dancers. They are fantastic at it, and they know it.)

We have learned over and over again that white people love to put themselves into situations where they cannot lose. For many white people, dancing is no different. With the way that popular stereotypes have fallen into place, dancing, for them, is always a win-win! If they are decent at it, they will win the respect of their friends. If they break mirrors and make babies cry, any moves they employ will be considered hilarious and ironic. (In some cases, even if a white person is good at dancing, they will present themselves as though they are not. This only heightens the irony of their skill. For example:

One of the funniest things any white person can learn to do is cripwalk. Should you find yourself DJing a party packed with cool white people, throw on a West Coast hip-hop song from 1990-1999. (To be safe, play only the most popular singles. Many West Coast rappers speak of radical politics and are aligned with the Nation of Islam. There are few things in the world that scare white people more than the Nation of Islam.) Once you’ve picked a song, at least one white person will begin to crip-walk. A circle will likely be formed around him or her. As you continue DJing, listen for a loud roar of comical approval from the crowd. That means the cripwalking white person has just ironically thrown a gang sign.

If you find yourself dancing with a poorly-practiced white partner, the best thing to do is to dramatically lower your own standards of rhythm and movement. As we know (and this is a recurring theme), white people do not like being shamed in front of their friends. Doing so will decimate their standing in the power structure amongst their friends. They will have to rebuild from the ground up in order to piece together literally years of work. All your hard work will be undone as well, as the possibility of favors will be lost forever.

This post was written by Gary Edwards. Unlike Sarah Palin, he knows what the Bush Doctrine is. As you can see, he believes wholeheartedly in it.


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