Archive for the ‘Stuff White People Like’ Category

Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #3

November 17, 2008

Super Smash Bros.

When white people are in high school, there are few labels they fear more than “nerd.” It’s stigmatizing. It’s embarrassing. For some white people, it may not even be true. But most importantly, it always threatens their position in the social order. They risk losing access to a number of essential assets, including, but not limited to: dating, parties, a lunchtime seat, test answers, drug hookups, car rides, “top friend” privileges, profile picture appearences, inside jokes, and gossip.

But sometime between high school and college, something strange happens to white people. They begin to apply the ‘nerd’ label to themselves, most likely in the hope that their self-deprecating Woody Allen/George Costanza bullshit will make come across as humble, witty, and nonchalant. Don’t fall for it. If you have a white friend, and said white friend refers to him/herself as a nerd, there’s a good chance that they are not a nerd, and are using the term to tell the world that they are smarter than you. (The same applies for ‘dork.’)

Because, you see, white people who call themselves nerds usually do so out of nostalgia (I believe nostalgia was covered in the Stuff White People Like Book – I may be wrong, I only read it twice – but it should be obvious that white people cannot get enough of the good old days). They use it when discussing something from their childhood (or even prior to it) that other white people may have deemed uncool at the time. But now, most of them are in their twenties and are in such a rush to prove how “old-school” they are that the very idea of “the nerd” drowns in a sea of contrived hip.

This is where Super Smash Bros. comes in. Literally every white person you know either owned this game or still owns it. They love Super Smash Bros. for three reasons:

1) It’s on the N64 (a system whose importance in determining white coolness may soon surpass the NES). Anything older than ten years, even if they did not like it on first contact, can and will knock a white person to their knees with nostalgia. It is a well known fact that many white people wish they were born in 1940 and remained twenty years old after 1960. This is not because they value good health, but because they wish they could live through every time period and cultural movement that eventually became cool (for example, the 1960s, the 1970s, the drug explosion, and hip-hop until 1996). For a plethora of white people, the N64 was their movement.

2.) Sure, there are other great multiplayer N64 games (Mario Party, Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Star Fox, etc.), but none of them does as much to capture those days when you and your friends debated whether or not Kirby could beat the shit out of Pikachu.

3.) White people love to smoke marijuana and play Super Smash Bros.

If you’re new on campus, find a group of white people who wear glasses. On most liberal arts colleges, they tend to troll around in packs. Chances are, at least a few of these people play Super Smash Brothers. If not, there is still a good chance that they smoke weed. Invite them over, and let the fun begin. However, make sure you have four controllers. White people do not like waiting for things.


Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #2

November 12, 2008

This is a follow-up to the first Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike. It seems they like so many things that not even their official scribe can document them all!


Similar to everything else that can be liked, white people love to dance. But they have their own special reasons for enjoying it.

Some white people dance because they enjoy it, but do not realize that they are terrible at it. These are the wrong kind of white people – you should avoid associating with them at all costs.

(NOTE: Although they are a symbol of high culture, and therefore, a prized commodity in the community, this post is not concerned with white people who are dance majors and professional dancers. They are fantastic at it, and they know it.)

We have learned over and over again that white people love to put themselves into situations where they cannot lose. For many white people, dancing is no different. With the way that popular stereotypes have fallen into place, dancing, for them, is always a win-win! If they are decent at it, they will win the respect of their friends. If they break mirrors and make babies cry, any moves they employ will be considered hilarious and ironic. (In some cases, even if a white person is good at dancing, they will present themselves as though they are not. This only heightens the irony of their skill. For example:

One of the funniest things any white person can learn to do is cripwalk. Should you find yourself DJing a party packed with cool white people, throw on a West Coast hip-hop song from 1990-1999. (To be safe, play only the most popular singles. Many West Coast rappers speak of radical politics and are aligned with the Nation of Islam. There are few things in the world that scare white people more than the Nation of Islam.) Once you’ve picked a song, at least one white person will begin to crip-walk. A circle will likely be formed around him or her. As you continue DJing, listen for a loud roar of comical approval from the crowd. That means the cripwalking white person has just ironically thrown a gang sign.

If you find yourself dancing with a poorly-practiced white partner, the best thing to do is to dramatically lower your own standards of rhythm and movement. As we know (and this is a recurring theme), white people do not like being shamed in front of their friends. Doing so will decimate their standing in the power structure amongst their friends. They will have to rebuild from the ground up in order to piece together literally years of work. All your hard work will be undone as well, as the possibility of favors will be lost forever.

This post was written by Gary Edwards. Unlike Sarah Palin, he knows what the Bush Doctrine is. As you can see, he believes wholeheartedly in it.

Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #1

November 12, 2008

In this series, I will attempt to read Christian Lander’s mind and post a category before he himself does. Bizarre! you say. Dear reader, I say, it has already happened. Over the summer, the SWPL Blog had a contest. Each contestant in said contest sent in his or her pathetic SWPL entry. Five winners would be posted. I wrote a post about why white people love to DJ. Everyone knows all white people believe they have excellent and unique tastes in music. That they believe they’d make excellent DJs is a logical conclusion. Lo and behold, my submission was rejected! Why, I wondered, when mine was far superior to the mountains of anal leakage and bile the site had posted and labeled as “winners”? Turns out DJing was an entry in the Stuff White People Like book that came out over the summer. So, here we go. I feel this entry has been a long time coming on the real Stuff White People Like…

Drug Trip Stories

Count the number of white people you know. Now count the number of cool white people you know. Now count the number of cool white people you know in college. Every one of these white persons have used drugs in the past week.

Like everyone else, white people enjoy drugs for the high. Unlike everyone else, the story surrounding the acquisition, use, and all activities done while are far more important.

In high school, telling stories about weed will suffice, But college-age white people at liberal arts universities will have at least experimented with acid, salvia, mushrooms, pills, and for the advanced, cocaine. Crack may be used ironically. (NOTE: DO NOT assume that they do crystal meth. Midwesterners – the wrong kind of white peeople – use crystal meth.)

When discussing your drug experiencess with a white person, always begin by explicating your relationship with your dealer. Gloss over its general disposition, living quarters, speech patterns, where it gets its product from, its personal hygene, and the procedure of the transaction. Be sure to include all humorous details. Only include humorous details. Sad stories will only ground your white friends in reality and make them sad.

Make sure to mention the strain of whatever drug(s) your trip story revolves around. As we all know (, white people love to classify things, even when they don’t need to be classified.

Mention what music you listened to while high. All white people consider music the most important thing in their lives, and impressing them with your taste in music will multiply whatever favorable opinion they already have of you (you do drugs, remember?) upon itself. You could mention your favorite rock band, but there is always a white person who knows more about them than you. To be safe, select The Notorious B.I.G., Girl Talk, 2Pac,  or Dr. Dre. They are universally lauded in white circles. No further questions will be asked.

Most importantly, NEVER upstage a white person’s drug trip story. They do not like being publicly shamed.

EDIT: Recent President Elect Barack Obama admits that he used drugs in high school and college. While the same fact embarassed Bush, it only increased the Obama Myth. Now that he won the election, go find a white person whom you always thought did cocaine but never bothered to ask. Chances are, they will tell you that they do within five minutes of conversation.