Posts Tagged ‘Gary was here’

Best Anagram Ever

December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas!

We’re Not Dead: The Five Best Hip-Hop Albums of 2008

December 24, 2008

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We apologize for the gaping hole our absence has undoubtedly created in your lives. Surely you understand that we are college students. Which means that work piles up as finals approach, and once they’re over, we promise never to write another word again outside of AIM and Facebook. Now we’re free and about a week into break. I imagine this is what it’s like to be released from a maximum security prison; I had almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up on a Monday and decide for yourself what to do with the day. So while Troy and Hollis are probably actually doing shit right now, I hope that an early Christmas gift (or a late Hanukkah gift) can begin to soothe your pain.  Without further delay, in lieu of an actual blog post, I present yet another year-end list:

5. Nas: Untitled

“The people will always know what the real title of this album is and what to call it.”
-Nas

This album’s original title raised countless eyebrows and ires. But few of his detractors recognized the conditions that led to the proliferation of that word. And even fewer of us expected that Nas would target those conditions by turning in his best lyrical performance since Illmatic. Not one of the tracks on this album is skippable, each is at once poignant, challenging, and anthemic. Nas goes after everything from slavery to Fox News, even to the N-word itself and America’s obsession with it. I’m still not sure whether the proposed title was a marketing tactic, a clue to the content of the actual songs, or whether that even matters. But what I do know is that this is one of the best albums I’ve heard in along time. I like to think that Jeremiah Wright rode out the summer bumping this in his car.

Nas, “Sly Fox

4. Danny!: And I Love H.E.R.: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
And I Love H.E.R.
Enter Daniel Swain, relatively unknown and underrated rapper from South Carolina. According to Wikipedia (the only research tool I use) he’s been laying fat tracks since 2004, but I had never heard of him until this year, and not a moment too soon.You could call his music “hipster rap,” but his rhymes are so emotionally honest and witty that they lack even the slightest simulacrum of the pretense that people associate with hipsters. And I Love H.E.R. isn’t actually a soundtrack, but an album that chronicles the artist’s relationship with hip-hop music, as the reference to Common’s classic single suggests. The beats are somber and mellow at the same time. Don’t sleep on Danny!; this is perhaps the best concept album since A Prince Among Thieves.

 

Danny!, “The Groove” 

3. The Roots: Rising Down


The Roots are not going anywhere. After eight studio albums, they’re still one of the most consistently tight acts in all of music, much less hip hop. Few hip-hop troupes (De La Soul coms to mind) have enjoyed the artistically longevous career The Roots have. Rising Down continues their long line of dope albums, giving voice to the forgotten ghosts of American history with dope beats and dope rhymes. Any album that brings the Mighty Mos out of the grave, even for just a few minutes on the title track, also gets bonus points.

The Roots featuring Dice Raw, Peedi Crakk, and DJ Jazzy Jeff, “Get Busy

2. Wale: The Mixtape About Nothing

I waited for years, and it never happened. No producer sampled the loop that, if reconstructed properly, would garner approval from all critical corners. Just wacky enough to be considered alternative, and just popular enough to be instantly recognizable. If they could sample the underground theme from Super Mario Brothers, then why not this? The sand news is, until 2008, nobody sampled the theme song from Seinfeld.

Wale is a big fan of Seinfeld. His Mixtape About Nothing is at once an homage to the decade-defining “show about nothing” and a well-crafted mockery of a staple of hip-hop: the mixtape. The beats, handled mainly by the Best Kept Secret production crew, knock hard, and Wale comes off as a better-educated Lil’ Wayne, though he’s not nearly as “experimental” with his flow as Weezy F. Baby is. The album itself progresses like a Seinfeld episode. It begins with a free-flowing stand-up routine delivered in rhyme. It moves through a series of seemingly unrelated songs. It ends with a shout-out session, similar to the end credits every show has. But the real genius of this album is that beyond the songs themselves, the format brings out Wale’s beef  with most current hip-hop music: that it is, in fact, about nothing.

Wale, “The Opening Title Sequence
Download, The Mixtape About Nothing

1. Rhymefest: Man In The Mirror

Yes, it was released at the very end of December 2007, but it still sons pretty much everything released in 2008.

It doesn’t bode well for the hip-hop industry that the two best albums I heard in 2008 were intended to be free. (The only one I actually bought was Untitled, but that’s another post for another day.) While The Mixtape About Nothing re-defined the mixtape as a genre, Man In The Mirror takes it a step further. While it technically is a mixtape, in the sense that it escapes the laws of sample clearance, ‘Fest says it best when he calls it a “Michael Jackson tribute album.” But it’s not your typical tribute album either. Rhymefest does not relegate himself to weak renditions of Jacko’s greatest hits, instead, he rhymes in his usual impeccable style over beats that sample Jacko’s greatest hits. Just like The Mixtape About Nothing, the editing is fantastic, as Rhymefest cuts up old Michael Jackson interviews to make it seem as if the King of Pop was in the room. As a rapper, Rhymefest is something of a Chuck D for the 21st century, and he rides a beat effortlessly, slow or fast. If you get one album from this list, let it be this one. You have no excuse not to. It’s free.

Rhymefest, “Can’t Make It
Download, Man In The Mirror

Gary Edwards is  a staff writer at GHB Up In This Motherfucker. He recognizes that there may be typos in this post, but it’s Christmas Eve, so fuck you. He wants you to stop reading here, look at the picture below, and enjoy the rest of your holiday break while you still can. Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/New Year’s!
santa

Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #3

November 17, 2008

Super Smash Bros.

When white people are in high school, there are few labels they fear more than “nerd.” It’s stigmatizing. It’s embarrassing. For some white people, it may not even be true. But most importantly, it always threatens their position in the social order. They risk losing access to a number of essential assets, including, but not limited to: dating, parties, a lunchtime seat, test answers, drug hookups, car rides, “top friend” privileges, profile picture appearences, inside jokes, and gossip.

But sometime between high school and college, something strange happens to white people. They begin to apply the ‘nerd’ label to themselves, most likely in the hope that their self-deprecating Woody Allen/George Costanza bullshit will make come across as humble, witty, and nonchalant. Don’t fall for it. If you have a white friend, and said white friend refers to him/herself as a nerd, there’s a good chance that they are not a nerd, and are using the term to tell the world that they are smarter than you. (The same applies for ‘dork.’)

Because, you see, white people who call themselves nerds usually do so out of nostalgia (I believe nostalgia was covered in the Stuff White People Like Book – I may be wrong, I only read it twice – but it should be obvious that white people cannot get enough of the good old days). They use it when discussing something from their childhood (or even prior to it) that other white people may have deemed uncool at the time. But now, most of them are in their twenties and are in such a rush to prove how “old-school” they are that the very idea of “the nerd” drowns in a sea of contrived hip.

This is where Super Smash Bros. comes in. Literally every white person you know either owned this game or still owns it. They love Super Smash Bros. for three reasons:

1) It’s on the N64 (a system whose importance in determining white coolness may soon surpass the NES). Anything older than ten years, even if they did not like it on first contact, can and will knock a white person to their knees with nostalgia. It is a well known fact that many white people wish they were born in 1940 and remained twenty years old after 1960. This is not because they value good health, but because they wish they could live through every time period and cultural movement that eventually became cool (for example, the 1960s, the 1970s, the drug explosion, and hip-hop until 1996). For a plethora of white people, the N64 was their movement.

2.) Sure, there are other great multiplayer N64 games (Mario Party, Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Star Fox, etc.), but none of them does as much to capture those days when you and your friends debated whether or not Kirby could beat the shit out of Pikachu.

3.) White people love to smoke marijuana and play Super Smash Bros.

If you’re new on campus, find a group of white people who wear glasses. On most liberal arts colleges, they tend to troll around in packs. Chances are, at least a few of these people play Super Smash Brothers. If not, there is still a good chance that they smoke weed. Invite them over, and let the fun begin. However, make sure you have four controllers. White people do not like waiting for things.

Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #2

November 12, 2008

This is a follow-up to the first Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike. It seems they like so many things that not even their official scribe can document them all!

Dance

Similar to everything else that can be liked, white people love to dance. But they have their own special reasons for enjoying it.

Some white people dance because they enjoy it, but do not realize that they are terrible at it. These are the wrong kind of white people – you should avoid associating with them at all costs.

(NOTE: Although they are a symbol of high culture, and therefore, a prized commodity in the community, this post is not concerned with white people who are dance majors and professional dancers. They are fantastic at it, and they know it.)

We have learned over and over again that white people love to put themselves into situations where they cannot lose. For many white people, dancing is no different. With the way that popular stereotypes have fallen into place, dancing, for them, is always a win-win! If they are decent at it, they will win the respect of their friends. If they break mirrors and make babies cry, any moves they employ will be considered hilarious and ironic. (In some cases, even if a white person is good at dancing, they will present themselves as though they are not. This only heightens the irony of their skill. For example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg)

One of the funniest things any white person can learn to do is cripwalk. Should you find yourself DJing a party packed with cool white people, throw on a West Coast hip-hop song from 1990-1999. (To be safe, play only the most popular singles. Many West Coast rappers speak of radical politics and are aligned with the Nation of Islam. There are few things in the world that scare white people more than the Nation of Islam.) Once you’ve picked a song, at least one white person will begin to crip-walk. A circle will likely be formed around him or her. As you continue DJing, listen for a loud roar of comical approval from the crowd. That means the cripwalking white person has just ironically thrown a gang sign.

If you find yourself dancing with a poorly-practiced white partner, the best thing to do is to dramatically lower your own standards of rhythm and movement. As we know (and this is a recurring theme), white people do not like being shamed in front of their friends. Doing so will decimate their standing in the power structure amongst their friends. They will have to rebuild from the ground up in order to piece together literally years of work. All your hard work will be undone as well, as the possibility of favors will be lost forever.

This post was written by Gary Edwards. Unlike Sarah Palin, he knows what the Bush Doctrine is. As you can see, he believes wholeheartedly in it.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

November 12, 2008

Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #1

November 12, 2008

In this series, I will attempt to read Christian Lander’s mind and post a category before he himself does. Bizarre! you say. Dear reader, I say, it has already happened. Over the summer, the SWPL Blog had a contest. Each contestant in said contest sent in his or her pathetic SWPL entry. Five winners would be posted. I wrote a post about why white people love to DJ. Everyone knows all white people believe they have excellent and unique tastes in music. That they believe they’d make excellent DJs is a logical conclusion. Lo and behold, my submission was rejected! Why, I wondered, when mine was far superior to the mountains of anal leakage and bile the site had posted and labeled as “winners”? Turns out DJing was an entry in the Stuff White People Like book that came out over the summer. So, here we go. I feel this entry has been a long time coming on the real Stuff White People Like…

Drug Trip Stories

Count the number of white people you know. Now count the number of cool white people you know. Now count the number of cool white people you know in college. Every one of these white persons have used drugs in the past week.

Like everyone else, white people enjoy drugs for the high. Unlike everyone else, the story surrounding the acquisition, use, and all activities done while are far more important.

In high school, telling stories about weed will suffice, But college-age white people at liberal arts universities will have at least experimented with acid, salvia, mushrooms, pills, and for the advanced, cocaine. Crack may be used ironically. (NOTE: DO NOT assume that they do crystal meth. Midwesterners – the wrong kind of white peeople – use crystal meth.)

When discussing your drug experiencess with a white person, always begin by explicating your relationship with your dealer. Gloss over its general disposition, living quarters, speech patterns, where it gets its product from, its personal hygene, and the procedure of the transaction. Be sure to include all humorous details. Only include humorous details. Sad stories will only ground your white friends in reality and make them sad.

Make sure to mention the strain of whatever drug(s) your trip story revolves around. As we all know (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/27/33-marijuana/), white people love to classify things, even when they don’t need to be classified.

Mention what music you listened to while high. All white people consider music the most important thing in their lives, and impressing them with your taste in music will multiply whatever favorable opinion they already have of you (you do drugs, remember?) upon itself. You could mention your favorite rock band, but there is always a white person who knows more about them than you. To be safe, select The Notorious B.I.G., Girl Talk, 2Pac,  or Dr. Dre. They are universally lauded in white circles. No further questions will be asked.

Most importantly, NEVER upstage a white person’s drug trip story. They do not like being publicly shamed.

EDIT: Recent President Elect Barack Obama admits that he used drugs in high school and college. While the same fact embarassed Bush, it only increased the Obama Myth. Now that he won the election, go find a white person whom you always thought did cocaine but never bothered to ask. Chances are, they will tell you that they do within five minutes of conversation.

Fat Kids

November 12, 2008

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27651277/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygqh8xZwekI

Roastbeefy really should watch his weight.

Prop 8

November 12, 2008

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4xfMisqab8

Olbermann, for the most part, is right, but gay men do not need the California state government to give them “love,” “happiness,” or “permanence.” What they do need is access to the bounty of rights that legally married straight couples get (http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/2/objectId/E0366844-7992-4018-B581C6AE9BF8B045/catId/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/) and everyone else is categorically denied. As long as these privileges hinge on the term marriage, and as long as the word marriage is pinned into a very specific heterosexual corner, these rights will be held out of reach of at least some of the people who may want them. Power must be taken from the word marriage, it is a religious hurdle America is not currently equipped to clear. Remove the spiritual terms from the legal. We need a new system. And if people figure out how to take advantage of it, more power to them.

Don’t legalize gay marriage. Outlaw straight marriage.