Posts Tagged ‘Stuff White People Like’

Stuff White People Like Pre-Emptive Strike #3

November 17, 2008

Super Smash Bros.

When white people are in high school, there are few labels they fear more than “nerd.” It’s stigmatizing. It’s embarrassing. For some white people, it may not even be true. But most importantly, it always threatens their position in the social order. They risk losing access to a number of essential assets, including, but not limited to: dating, parties, a lunchtime seat, test answers, drug hookups, car rides, “top friend” privileges, profile picture appearences, inside jokes, and gossip.

But sometime between high school and college, something strange happens to white people. They begin to apply the ‘nerd’ label to themselves, most likely in the hope that their self-deprecating Woody Allen/George Costanza bullshit will make come across as humble, witty, and nonchalant. Don’t fall for it. If you have a white friend, and said white friend refers to him/herself as a nerd, there’s a good chance that they are not a nerd, and are using the term to tell the world that they are smarter than you. (The same applies for ‘dork.’)

Because, you see, white people who call themselves nerds usually do so out of nostalgia (I believe nostalgia was covered in the Stuff White People Like Book – I may be wrong, I only read it twice – but it should be obvious that white people cannot get enough of the good old days). They use it when discussing something from their childhood (or even prior to it) that other white people may have deemed uncool at the time. But now, most of them are in their twenties and are in such a rush to prove how “old-school” they are that the very idea of “the nerd” drowns in a sea of contrived hip.

This is where Super Smash Bros. comes in. Literally every white person you know either owned this game or still owns it. They love Super Smash Bros. for three reasons:

1) It’s on the N64 (a system whose importance in determining white coolness may soon surpass the NES). Anything older than ten years, even if they did not like it on first contact, can and will knock a white person to their knees with nostalgia. It is a well known fact that many white people wish they were born in 1940 and remained twenty years old after 1960. This is not because they value good health, but because they wish they could live through every time period and cultural movement that eventually became cool (for example, the 1960s, the 1970s, the drug explosion, and hip-hop until 1996). For a plethora of white people, the N64 was their movement.

2.) Sure, there are other great multiplayer N64 games (Mario Party, Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Star Fox, etc.), but none of them does as much to capture those days when you and your friends debated whether or not Kirby could beat the shit out of Pikachu.

3.) White people love to smoke marijuana and play Super Smash Bros.

If you’re new on campus, find a group of white people who wear glasses. On most liberal arts colleges, they tend to troll around in packs. Chances are, at least a few of these people play Super Smash Brothers. If not, there is still a good chance that they smoke weed. Invite them over, and let the fun begin. However, make sure you have four controllers. White people do not like waiting for things.